Your eye is on the sparrow
And Your hand, it comforts me
From the ends of the Earth to the depth of my heart
Let Your mercy and strength be seen

You call me to Your purpose
As angels understand
For Your glory, may You draw all men
As Your love and grace demand

And I will run to You
To Your words of truth
Not by might, not by power
But by the spirit of God
Yes I will run the race
'Till I see Your face
Oh let me live in the glory of Your grace

today's one of the worst days in a very long time. 2 rejections all at once - thats more than what i can take. It's a really horrible feeling to have been looking forward to going to Shanghai for many weeks and suddenly be told that i cannot go because i'm just a jc student who's not useful to them. and i've quit my job already. suddenly i realise i've so much time. SUddenly, i dont know what i'm going to do or what i shld be doing the next few months. and that email just came before the rejection from IE. sometimes, i wonder if i did not put in as much effort as i should. that i took it for granted that my parents could fund my uni education even if i didnt get the scholarship. now i regret it. i really regret it. i shouldnt have let this chance slip. i shld have been more aggressive and made sure i articulated my points and ideas clearly to the assessors. I wanted so much to get the scholarship to make my parents proud and let them have more money for their old age. I hate myself for being so complacent, i thought that just being myself would suffice. Apparently not. i'm not as smart, nor as quick-thinking, nor as vocal, nor as outspoken, nor as hungry for the scholarship as other applicants. I havent been doing as much reading, i havent as much general knowledge, i take my situation for granted. Sometimes i feel i should be born in a poor family instead. Make me more hungry for the scholarship. make me work much harder. Maybe i would have been a much more successful person.and not take my blessings for granted. dear God, please tell me what i should do. Please tell me how i should change. It sounds like not a big deal, only the best get the scholarship, it cant be helped that i'm just a jc student and shanghai doesnt want me. But why both at once? Suddenly i'm just thrown into a big sea. like i've nowwhere to go. I dont know why i take it so seriously, why these made me think so much (esp not getting to the 3rd round). Sometimes i wonder, am i just the average student, or do i have potential to be more than that. Although i thank God that I can still go to ucb even without the scholarship, i feel horrible. The US fees are not cheap. I thought i might have a good chance at it, i took that chance for granted. Now my parents have to pay all my fees. I thought my ideas were good, but i guess they just werent enough. I'm sorry, mom and dad.

This is one of the most meaningful chinese songs i've ever heard.
我是谁 你是否常常这样问自己
我是谁 总是活在别人的期望里
我是谁 是谁又擅自帮你定义了
你是谁 只有不是自己才安全
为什麽 你以为这个世界很美丽
为什麽 你爱这个世界胜过爱自己
为什麽 这个世界不给你平等待遇
为什麽 到底做错了什麽
朋友都说你太 太 太奇怪
在背后把你当成笑 笑 笑话看
每一个动作都被瞎猜
他们说你是个不能容忍的存在
你想要的很 很 很简单
不过就是最普通的 的 的平凡
诚实做自己有时候很难
但是请你勇敢的试一次看看
无论他们又说什麽 闲言闲语无法伤害我
世界上只有一个我 没人能代替的我
无论他们又做什麽 小动作无法打败我
我知道自己是最美丽的
The most beautiful
会不会 上帝把你的灵魂放错了身体
会不会 是故意整你不是不小心
会不会 你常常都觉得力不从心
会不会 坚持要做自己太危险
凭什麽 难道比较特别就是不对
凭什麽 先下了注解在认识之前
凭什麽 只不过想认真的活一遍
凭什麽 随便就把人定罪
我是谁 这个问题困扰你多少天多少夜
我是谁 谁有资格决定你怎样才是对
我是谁 我是谁我是谁
我就是我你就是你
认真做自己的人最美丽

sometimes i wonder if life is like that. God made everyone differently, some people may not accept who you really are, so you put on a mask in front of others and try to blend with the crowd, and slowly you lose sight of who you really were in the first place. embrace who you are, just be yourself and do what you enjoy doing.

looking really more in depth at ucberkeley's student website for the first time, it made me realise one thing, i actually do not know much about the school at all, the culture, the people, the academia etc. i asked myself, "what about this school did i like so much? what made me so eager to get into this school?"
at that moment, i was lost for words. i don't know? it's good, its prestigious, its not that cold, its had lots of asians, wow... that's all i really know about the school?
I give myself excuses that this is normal, because i'm a foreign student, i don't even have the chance to go to berkeley's open house day or get to see their campus myself unless i really go there in fall. Then i ask myself, why berkeley? why not other options? it was then i realised that i was so accustomed to people around me saying that berkeley is really good that i have convinced myself that thats the only place for me.
To tell the truth, i'm really afraid of going to a foreign country, how will i get used to it? will it be very fast-paced? how is the culture like? What are the people like? So many questions in my head left unanswered.
But I know i have to start now, and take more interest in finding out what berkeley really has to offer me, what other universities have to offer, so that i am sure that i have made the right decision, so that when people ask me why berkeley, i wouldnt answer them like "oh my parents said it was good, my brother said it was good, my friends said it was good." i would say, "it is definitely the school i want to be in for the next three years."