i havent posted for some time.
i havent stopped and thought about life for some time.
i havent been happy for some time.

this semester has been a series of disappointments, and unhappiness.

what is happiness? what is true happiness? is there even true happiness? does it stem from chasing what everyone is chasing after? am i doing this because of prestige? recognition? maintaining outsider's impression that i am a capable person? what do i truly want? what do i truly like? who am i? xinyi, xinyi.who am i in front of others? is that really me or my mask?
the lines of my identity, seem to have become more blurry.

questions questions. no answers.

stop thinking of what others think. stop comparing with others. live your own life. live it how god wants you to live it.

i have been focusing too much on myself, on physical desires, on living to show others. pursuing something i'm not really sure i want.and throughout all this, i have left god out of the picture. is that why, god? is that you telling me? is that you talking to me?

this semester,i want to realign myself with god. I want to get to know god better.

Dear Jesus,

Please help me.Please guide me in this walk,guide me out of this darkness i feel. Be my shepherd, lead me out of confusion. Dear Father, I give my all to you. Show me who i truly am and what my purpose is in your kingdom. God, i cry out for your love. I will let you lead me, dear god, i let you lead me. Let me do whatever you want me to do.

Amen.