today's one of the worst days in a very long time. 2 rejections all at once - thats more than what i can take. It's a really horrible feeling to have been looking forward to going to Shanghai for many weeks and suddenly be told that i cannot go because i'm just a jc student who's not useful to them. and i've quit my job already. suddenly i realise i've so much time. SUddenly, i dont know what i'm going to do or what i shld be doing the next few months. and that email just came before the rejection from IE. sometimes, i wonder if i did not put in as much effort as i should. that i took it for granted that my parents could fund my uni education even if i didnt get the scholarship. now i regret it. i really regret it. i shouldnt have let this chance slip. i shld have been more aggressive and made sure i articulated my points and ideas clearly to the assessors. I wanted so much to get the scholarship to make my parents proud and let them have more money for their old age. I hate myself for being so complacent, i thought that just being myself would suffice. Apparently not. i'm not as smart, nor as quick-thinking, nor as vocal, nor as outspoken, nor as hungry for the scholarship as other applicants. I havent been doing as much reading, i havent as much general knowledge, i take my situation for granted. Sometimes i feel i should be born in a poor family instead. Make me more hungry for the scholarship. make me work much harder. Maybe i would have been a much more successful person.and not take my blessings for granted. dear God, please tell me what i should do. Please tell me how i should change. It sounds like not a big deal, only the best get the scholarship, it cant be helped that i'm just a jc student and shanghai doesnt want me. But why both at once? Suddenly i'm just thrown into a big sea. like i've nowwhere to go. I dont know why i take it so seriously, why these made me think so much (esp not getting to the 3rd round). Sometimes i wonder, am i just the average student, or do i have potential to be more than that. Although i thank God that I can still go to ucb even without the scholarship, i feel horrible. The US fees are not cheap. I thought i might have a good chance at it, i took that chance for granted. Now my parents have to pay all my fees. I thought my ideas were good, but i guess they just werent enough. I'm sorry, mom and dad.